Apr 20
2009

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

As with all of us, I have had to adapt to many life changes in my nearly 50 years. Unlike most of you, many of my changes stem from adapting to a life-long disability – Cerebral Palsy. Doctors say my joints and other body parts are consistent with a man who is 75 years old. I don’t say this to solicit your sympathy, but my body is wearing out and  I’ve had to think of “out of the box” ways to continue walking normally for me, going up/down stairs, bending down to tie my shoes, or many other life’s necessities. I truly have had to change how I react to myself, and with others who may want to help me if needed.

I bring up my changes as an example of a whole range of life resiliency issues all of us go through – physically and mentally – throughout our lives. Whether it is adapting to a physical challenge, seeing a parent in various stages of Alzheimer’s or even losing a job in this very challenging economy, all of us have change issues to deal with great and small.

As I have become creakier through the years, I have successfully adapted a strategic business model as a way for me to stay resilient with personal life changes. I thought you might like to try this model the next time you are confronted with a particularly challenging change in your life.

As I do in my work life, I use the STAR approach to help me stay ahead of father time. I also use this approach in many other life moments, including applying it to a truly successful 25-year marriage and positively dealing with our 14-year-old daughter.

STAR stands for Situation, Task, Action, Result. It all seems rather easy to understand in a work setting, but in your personal life? It actually works quite effectively with a couple of personal tweaks.

First, you need to analyze the situations, think about tasks you need to do, determine the appropriate actions to be taken and set a goal of the ultimate results you desire.

Here’s a personal example: In addition to applying the model to my physical challenges, the newest life moment happened with our daughter a few days ago. After telling us she did not want to take band in high school next year, she has abruptly changed her mind. But this time, she does not want to play her flute…she has been playing this instrument for 6 years. She now wants to play the sax. This change means we have to buy a new instrument and have her take lessons to get her to a high-school level. This example also provided other challenges, including changing her already-selected electives for 9th grade.

O.K., maybe it is not the most dire example, but it is one most of us can relate to…solving an unexpected issue with your teenager.

There was definitely a lot of “spirited” discussion in our household, but I eventually used the STAR approach to help me grasp the steps needed to taken.

S – I already explained the “S,” except that my wife was even more challenged in letting our daughter change.

T - The task was to do what was best for our daughter, but having her realize the responsibilities of her actions and the band commitment she must guarantee us moving forward. Our daughter agreed on all counts.

A - There were several actions taken, but most notably her agreed-commitment meant she had to take lessons, rethink her other summer wants (like going to hockey camp), and truly practice with a sincere desire to excel. She even agreed to this…

R – The bottom-line result was we let her switch. But this was only after we talked with her current band teacher to see how feasible the switch from a flute to a sax may be. We want our daughter to succeed and made sure her teacher thought she had the skill to adapt with hard work. We also think the continued teamwork in band will ultimately help her succeed.

Now, I did not tell my wife or daughter I was using the STAR approach. They would laugh and tell me I could never be this organized. So mums the word…

As we continue our discussion over the upcoming weeks, I will highlight my other vignettes of change, including dealing more with my disability. I now challenge you to try this STAR approach at home – or work – the next time change come to your “doorstep.” It might help you more successfully adapt to your new realities.

Take care my friends…’til next time!

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Apr 9
2009

 I have a number of friends and colleagues suffering from a job loss or highly-stressful situations at work/life. All of us have been there at one time or another. I’ve definitely have had job and life stress, too. Could I have given better advice to a friend in need? Could I have prevented some of my friend’s stress or my stress? How can I help others stay resilient? How can I keep staying resilient myself? It can be a moment where your inner resilience will see you through.

Life definitely has its moments, both good and bad. To stay strong and resilient myself, I focus on the best of the present.  I, however, cannot deny there are less than perfect times that can dominate life.

When I think of these moments, I listen to a song by Judy Garland called “Comes Once in a Lifetime.” (I love listening to classic artists.) The song grounds me and reminds my inner-self that I can do great things. I thought you might like to read the lyrics and remember the message the next time you are going through a bit of “hell.”

This song was sung by Judy in the 1960s as she was dealing with her own complex life resiliency issues. Unfortunately, she was unable to retain her resiliency, but this song shows us the way we can overcome…if only we believe.

Every day, just go along dawn till sundown.

Here’s a rundown.

Every day that comes, comes once in a lifetime.

 Take each day and gather the rosebuds in it.

Fill each minute.

Every day that comes, comes once in a lifetime.

 Think of now, tomorrow is waiting in the wings.

Who knows what it brings.

While the future waits, the present swings.

Day to day, in Brooklyn or China ‘cross the bay.

Only once comes this particular sky.

Only once these precious hours go by.

Only once in a lifetime the day comes by.

So live, live, live, live today.

 Think of now, tomorrow is waiting in the wings.

Who knows what it brings.

While the future waits, the present swings.  

From day to day, in Brooklyn or China ‘cross the bay.

Only once comes this particular sky.

Only once these precious hours go by.

Only once in a lifetime a day comes by.

So live, live, live, come on and live today.

This is quite a poignant message for a song. Take care my friend and please remember to trust your inner resiliency!



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Apr 1
2009

By Steve Beseke, beseke1@earthlink.net

 Many of us have taken our hits in our county’s current economic morass. Instead of feeling out of control, I’ve used five ways to overcome the challenges of life. I thought these resiliency techniques might be useful in managing your world.

They are:

- Being Positive - See life as challenging, dynamic, and filled with opportunities. Of, course, this sounds like an infomercial. But, no matter how my day is going, I try to think of one positive I can rely on to bring a smile to my face.

As I mentioned in a previous post, this may be remembering a meaningful conversation that resonated with your teenager daughter, how beautiful/handsome your spouse looked before work this morning, or receiving an unexpected “thank you” from a co-worker you helped. Whatever your example, thinking about a positive moment has let me successfully get through the most challenging days. And remember: I have a teenage daughter…

- Being Focused – Determine where you are headed and stick to that goal so barriers do not block your way. I am a person who wants to do 12 tasks at once, which can be very tiring and ultimately unsuccessful. Whether at work or home, I now try to limit myself to juggling no more than three tasks at a time. 

I have found that adding any more to-dos will not allow me to be as effective even with the simplest of tasks. An example is when I am stuck in rush hour traffic. In the past, I’ve let my mind wander to four or five other things as I am inching along. Sometimes I’ve missed a turn off and probably not been the safest driver because of excessive “multi-tasking.”

- Being Flexible - Open yourself to different possibilities when faced with uncertainty. I know friends who have the exact same routine everyday and then get upset when a co-worker or family member forces them out of their comfort zone. I am an introvert and a person with a disability, but I try to get out of my comfort zone to see what is “outside the box.”

Even though I sometimes have challenges walking, I try to take the stairs instead of always using the elevator. This action benefits my health tremendously and also shows folks I am not restricted to one way of approaching life.

- Being Organized – Develop structured approaches to be able to manage the unknown. This has been the most challenging for me – especially dealing with paperwork at the office. In the past, I used the “pile approach” and was terrific at stacking things. So much so that the piles use to grow and imitate Humpty-Dumpty.

Well, my office today looks immaculate with hardly a paper in sight. My secret: Recycle stuff when not needed and get an electronic copy where I can file it easily on my computer. A computer geek I am not, but it has sure saved me a lot disorganized moments in front of my boss.

Being Proactive – Look ahead, actively engage change, and work at staying ahead of what’s expected. Easier said than done, of course. I have always tried to stay on top of things whether at home or the office. It has always been one of my strengths.

The reason I have success is I try never to rely on the status quo. I have had a very happy 25-year marriage because I never fall back on past happiness. I am very proactive and think about what will make us happy in the future. Whether that is being active in a few of my wife’s interests or proactively listening to the needs on her plate. It works!

No one can change overnight, and I am sure you are good or better than me on many of these five techniques. But, if not, try to change one over a month’s time. Then, use the same approach for the other techniques in the future. I know you will feel satisfied and gratified with the resilient results in your world.

Until next time…



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